I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Okey dokey.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.