Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
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My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant