Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.