So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
You Might Also Like
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda