There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
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I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.