Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
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I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.