I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
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I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
#merica
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm