when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
We avoided this particular disaster
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Is….Is this an option?