ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
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A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director