Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
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Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.