Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
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Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.