me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
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What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2