How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
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[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.