[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
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I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.