{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
the composer
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.