Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
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[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her