My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
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I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
concern
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)