Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
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People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]