[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
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Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
meanwhile over on facebook
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.