My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
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Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
My blood type is b hungry.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite