me and the Superbowl rn
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genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
i’m sure it’s fine
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Saturday
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*