everywhere a sign. ⚠️
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If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?