My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
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Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I forgot how to panic. Help
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me: