Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
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During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?