Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
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If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
good for her
wut hotdog?
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight