I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
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*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.