I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
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I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first