pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Sell your car
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.