Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver