Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
You Might Also Like
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
In banana years, I am bread.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I put the p in pants.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!