My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
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Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.