Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
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This 4th of July, please remember…
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets