bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
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March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there