Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
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[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?