“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
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Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Friends that check up on you >
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
This is my brand.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*