Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
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boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I feel it
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
#Caturday
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last