9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
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Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Guantanamo Bae
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
*orders delivery*
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.