I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
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There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.