Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
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[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My patience has stretch marks.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”