How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
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[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.