Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
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*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[loses house key, starts a new life]
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.