I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
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Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”