*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
You Might Also Like
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Sooo many times…..
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.