It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.