I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
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I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
accurate
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.