Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

Have a lovely day 😊

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha