Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
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I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
just make the entire table out of coaster
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!