I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
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Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
We’ve all been there…
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.