I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
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There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER