Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
You Might Also Like
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.